Control & Responsibility

by Christian Thomas Golden

I have to silence myself. I’m too easily angered, saddened, disappointed, shocked, etc. I have to pause, close my eyes, and take a deep breath. Does it really matter? What difference does my negativity make? Does it make anything better? If not, what am I supposed to do? Am I not valid in my feelings? Of course I am. Again, however, what good does it do to speak or act in accordance with such feelings? Sure, there are proper ways of expressing those feelings so that I do not bottle them up to build up and overflow later on, but what do I do immediately when I can’t yet find that appropriate way of expressing? 

Sh. Silence. Breathe. It’s really not worth it. Think to yourself, calmly. Empathize. Try to understand. Write privately. Let it go. Forgive. 

When I’m angry and I hold it in and sit on it and let it build and play over and over in my mind – what good is it doing not only for myself but anyone around me? None. 

Maybe that person who pissed me off was just having a bad day. Maybe I unknowingly did something which just happened to set them over the edge. Maybe they’ve been bottling things up just like me. Maybe they just don’t know how to deal with that feeling.

Maybe I just shouldn’t even care.

Maybe it shouldn’t even bother me in the first place.

But I’m not there yet. Until then, I need to practice catching myself in those moments, recognize my feelings and accept them without expressing them inappropriately, take a deep breath and remember that I have no control over anything around me. I am, however, responsible for that over which I do have some degree of control: myself.

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