I am a strange person. I like silence. I like walking on cool, breezy days while wearing a hoodie. I like to either think of nothing at all, or pretty much everything at once. I like the process of solving puzzles, but I don’t particularly like solving them. I like number theory, but I dislike most math (looking you Physics and Calculus). I like number theory because it’s all about making observations of how numbers relate to each other in various ways, as well as studying different characteristics of numbers.
I live in my head most of the time. I think about what to think about. I think about why I’m thinking about what I’m thinking about. I over-analyze things often. I’m given a simple task, and immediately internally question why it needs to be done. I think of alternatives to the simple task, and if there’s one I like (whether or not it might be an objectively better or worse way) I’ll be disappointed that I have to do it “someone else’s” way.
I often bounce back and forth between a natural inclination toward efficiency and a insatiable hunger for creativity. I don’t care if my way isn’t the commonly accepted way. It works, I figured it out, and that should be enough. But, others say it needs to be done differently, and that means I don’t matter (I know, I know, but that’s my initial interpretation). I’m not so logical/socially aloof that I don’t care about others’ perceptions of me. I care far too much. In fact, I tend to feel on the assumption that if everyone thinks differently from me, then there must be something wrong with me. That, of course, does nothing to change the way I think or feel. I am still me, regardless. A grain of sand doesn’t become a pool of water just because some poor lost wanderer demands that it be done.
But I know it doesn’t do much good for me to dwell too long on these things. Sometimes I need to write (like, right now). But I feel what it’s doing to me. Thankfully, I’ve developed the ability to recognize when I need to do what to best nurture myself. Very soon, I’ll need uninterrupted alone time. Ideally, a walk.
I need a walk.